Storms
by Alexis Shepard
Summary: A series of short, random drabbles of a troubled Shepard dealing with the loss of a beloved. (FemShep/Ashley) Rated T for now.
1. Storm I

Her words gnaw at my mind, tendrils ripping my sanity apart. _You promised you wouldn't leave me. Then…this. Now. I'm sorry. Goodbye._ She had never said goodbye before. Not during vid calls or messages. Always a "Talk later, Skipper" or "See you then!" The first and last goodbye that ever fell from those rose-colored lips.

In that moment, I couldn't breathe. I felt like all the air had been vacuumed out of me, stored away somewhere never to be found again. Ashley, the light of my life, had left me. She told me she was trying to rebound after my…untimely departure. She had found someone new. Someone that could care for her much easier than I. That someone wasn't risking life and limb for the sake of the galaxy. They were normal.

Rage rises within me. I couldn't give her stability, a haven, a home. My love isn't enough for her and that thought burnt fire through my veins. My already red scars glow brighter in my dark cabin restroom as I stare at the reflection of a broken woman trying to regain control. Glass cuts my knuckles as my fist connects with the mirror, yet even then the reflection mocks me still. I watch as it laughs at me, hateful words spilling from chapped, crooked lips.

 _You don't deserve her. You never have. She is pure where you are nothing but an empty sac of lies and broken promises. You should be thankful she left, not selfish. Your love will never be enough for her. For anyone._

The laughter vanishes as the reflection morphs into my crying figure leaning onto the sink, shoulders shaking as sob after sob struck me. The voice is right. I want Ashley, but I am not worthy of someone so beautiful. I hurt her in the worst of ways: breaking promises.

This is a suicide mission. If I die fighting, I won't have to worry about hurting someone like that again. Storms won't be caused by my selfish heart any longer. I hope I don't survive this mission. I have nothing to come back to, and no one to continue hurting.


	2. Storm II

I am alone with my thoughts once more. It's not usual that I have time to myself, but I would rather be slowly suffocated by my thoughts than my nightmares. Sleep is something I avoid as much as I can. So far, it's been two nights that I haven't slept. Miranda seems to have noticed, though I don't care much for her.

Ashley's still in my thoughts, even after all this time. Or short time. I don't even know. I was in coma for two years but I just woke up a few months ago. I don't want her in my head anymore. I don't want the storm within me. Tidal waves dragging me into inescapable currents, down dark whirlpools into an abyss. Water filling my lungs slowly, each breath more precious than the last, never knowing when it will be my final one. Finally falling deeper into the suction of the waves, no longer able to resist the strong tug.

I used to compare her to a calm ocean. Sandy shores, warm days, and caring nights. Sunshine that warmed my soul and stars that blanketed me at night. Waters that lapped at my feet, gently caressing scarred skin and soothing it to health. Chirping birds bringing joyful music where there was once none.

Now? It's the opposite. I accept that it is not my fault. I know that now. Before, I thought that I had willingly destroyed her by leaving. I used to think I tore down the dotted abyss of the night sky, stomping every star in my path, reveling in the pain their death brought. Using that pain as a tool to keep moving forward, even as my own tears swam down my face.

Horizon was my second opportunity. A chance to redeem myself while my heart ached and the only culprit was me. There was hope in her eyes, but distrust in her heart. It was enough for me. Walking away from her without looking back wasn't such a bad idea after all. The streams that escaped the broken dams of my eyes healed my scars with time.

I don't know if she still remembers me. A part of me would like to know. Another, prefers the silence. What I am certain of, however, is that the night sky is scarred but now blanketing someone new. Those warm beaches are occupied by someone else. Maybe someone better than me. She deserves it. She's been through so much strife.

Yet I also know that I deserve something too. My scars still show, but they are now fully mended. The marks remind me sometimes of better days, but I deserve something too. I did nothing wrong. I know that now.

I am not guilty. I remember. I always will. But I deserve better too. And I won't break the promise I made to myself, to her.

 _Never again._


	3. Storm III

The mission to pass through the Omega-4 relay and defeat the Collectors is going well, for the most part. Seeing as how the mission has the ominous word "suicide" in it, most of the crew wants to deal with loose ends should we all end up stuck or dead. Hours ago, we left the wreckage of the Gernsback. Jacob's father had been... a disgusting matter. For years, he had led many people-his own son-to believe that he and his crew had died during the shipwreck of the Hugo Gernsback. His inability to lead scared him and created so much damage to his crew members. He created a harem, assigning women to the officers like... as if they were raffle prizes. The thought of what it had been like to endure all of those years sent shivers down my spine.

I decided that the best way to deal with things after such an ordeal was with a couple of days of shore leave. It never hurt anyone, and the crew would enjoy a couple of drinks at the wards. I also hope it will ease my thoughts and memories of Ashley, which still haunt me. I try not to rememeber, but my mind has not been my own lately. Whether it is due to the impending doom or just lack of sleep, I cannot say. I crave for sleep, but am also frightened. I know I could use some sleep, but every time I do, she's there.

 _"Shepard, I love you," she whispers in my ear as she gently bites it. Lust slides down my body as I groan, joining my lips with hers. It is rough, deep, perfect. She devours me with her lips. Warm hands travel across my body, venturing to places only she knows._

 _"I love you, too, Ashley."_ _Blunt fingernails dig into my skin, a painfully pleasurable sensation. They sink further into my back, not dragging, just...still._

 _She stops. "No. You don't." Her fingernails elongate suddenly, piercing deep into me. I gasp as they tear into my skin, sinking into my lungs, oxygen escaping rapidly._

 _"A-ash," I breathe out._

 _"If you loved me, you wouldn't abandon me. You would've fought for us. You didn't. Now, I will make you feel what I felt for the past two years."_

A gasp escapes me as I flee from the terror of my mind. I unclench my hands and look down at them, watching tiny rivets of crimson swim down my palms. Damn it. I walk over to the sink of the bathroom and let the warm water soothe the wounds, wishing it could do the same to those in my heart and mind.

"Shepard," EDI's voice breaks the silence of my cabin. "We are approaching the Citadel, ETA ten minutes."

"Thank you, EDI."

I wipe my hands with a towel and examine the aftermath on my palms. Not too bad, could have been worse. I head down to the CIC, hoping I don't run into Miranda on my way out. The woman can be quite insufferable with her no-nonsense attitude. Ever since she became reunited with her sister, however, she changed somewhat. I could almost say she is likeable now.

The elevator doors swoosh open and I am met with the startled figure of Kelly.

"Oh! Commander, sorry."

"It's fine, Kelly. Where are you going? We're about to dock on the Citadel."

"I thought I would just skip shore leave this time. I... don't really have much to do." She casts her eyes down, brushing a stray lock of red hair behind her ear.

A thought strikes me. "Well, why don't you come with me? I could use some company."

"R-Really? I mean, I wouldn't want to interrupt anything you do. I'm sure you have stuff to do."

"Kelly, you of all people know that I have nothing to do this time. You are my yeoman after all. If there is anyone that knows me better than Joker, it's you. Besides, you've been good to me. This is the least I can do to return the favor."

Chambers has been helping me deal with the nightmares and memories. I'm actually glad the Illusive Man placed her on the ship; she's been a great help to all of us. And frankly, having someone to help me sort through everything I have to do doesn't hurt.

She lets out a small breath of air. "Okay. If you really want to."

"I insist. A pretty lady like you should not be left alone at any time." I quickly wonder where the hell that came from. Probably the old Shepard charm.

It was worth it, though, as the yeoman's cheeks turned rosy. "Let's get going, then," she laughed.

* * *

The Dark Star Lounge is way better than Chora's Den. While there aren't any strippers dancing their asses off, the music and drinks are definitely good. Kelly and I enter the bar, the beat pulsing in my chest. At least that still remained of Chora's Den.

Kelly points to an empty booth near the back of the bar and we walk over to it. While it isn't crowded, it seemed everyone was out to get drunk and have a good time today. A waiter approaches us as we sit.

"What will you ladies be having?"

"I'll have a strawberry daiquiri."

 _I didn't take you for a fruity drink type of girl, Ash._

 _Just because I can shoot you in the head from a hundred yards away doesn't mean I can't like girly things._

 _Whatever you say, chief._

"Shepard?" Kelly's worried gaze snaps me out of the memory. "You okay?"

"Um, yeah. I'll have a beer. The strongest one you have."

The waiter nods and leaves to get our drinks. I look down at the table, the memory still slithering around my mind. Ashley's favorite drink was a strawberry daiquiri. She always ordered one whenever we had some time off, which wasn't a lot. I didn't think such a simple thing as ordering a drink would trigger me. Maybe I'm more far gone than I thought.

"What happened?" Kelly asks, her hand wrapping around my own. Smooth, soft, and warm. Unique hands.

"I.." Should I even tell her? She's been helping me, but this is shore leave. I brought her here. "I was just thinking on whether or not I should get a beer or try my chance at ryncol." I look her in the eye and can see that she didn't buy that lie. I sigh, letting my shoulders slump. "The drink you ordered reminded me of... of her. She used to order it a lot."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that would trigger you."

"That's exactly why you shouldn't apologize. You didn't know it was going to happen. Hell, I didn't know that could happen. I'll be fine, though." I give her a small smile and gently squeeze her hand still holding mine. "We came here to enjoy ourselves, so what do you say we do that?" The waiter comes back with our drinks and leaves. I raise my bottle, offering a toast with Kelly. "To good times with good friends."

"To good times with good friends."

We drink and talk amicably, sharing stories and jokes. Time slows down as the music mixes with the alcohol. My mind focuses on Kelly's expressions. Her laughter, the way she moves her hands as she tells an embarrassing moment that happened lifetimes ago, the way her eyes twinkle under the dim light of the bar. Rosy cheeks that nearly match the color of the hair that frames her head. I reach out to brush a random stray hair into place, and she freezes. I pull away and take a large swill of my beer.

What the hell am I doing? I scoot out of the booth.

"I'm gonna head over to the restroom. I will be right back." I smile crookedly, the room shaking around me. How many beers did I drink?

I hear her say something in agreement as I stumble away, making my way through the crowd, mumbling incoherent apologies to the people I bump into. Finally at the restroom, I take hold of a sink, gripping its edges tightly, staring at nothing and everything. What had been going through my head? Kelly doesn't deserve to be a rebound. Besides, she's part of my crew. I'm not doing that mistake again. This mission is too dangerous for me to drag people into the emotional mess of myself. She's beautiful and has helped me more than anyone throughout all this, but Kelly is not going to end up hurt just because I need something to forget.

"Jane?"

I freeze. I dare not look up. I know what I'm going to find in the reflection looking at me. There is only one person in the entire galaxy that calls me by my first name and I dare not look at her.

"Jane," the voice repeats. "Are you okay?"

My body turns despite the screaming in my head telling me not to. Telling me to run out of the restroom and drink until I can't remember my name. Or hers. "Ashley."

"What are you doing here?" Her image is that of a goddess. Her hair is down, a dark waterfall cascading past her shoulders, glowing lightly. Chocolate eyes stare into mine, swirls of emotions swimming in them. Her delicious lips are parted, lips that made my own tingle as they yearn to connect with hers once more after so long. My hands tremble, wanting to reach out to touch the bare skin of her arms, hands calloused by years of battle. I need to touch her, feel her around me. I need to breathe in her essence again.

"Ashley, I-"

"Hey, what's taking you so long?" A voice interrupts me. A woman almost jumps on top of Ashley, clearly way more drunk than me. She wraps her arms around Ashley's neck, dangling like a chandelier. She turns to face me. "Who's your friend?"

Heat rises within me, my jaw clenching. "No one you need to worry about." I stare into those dark eyes again, unable to decipher what lies in her stare. Without a word, I turn away, making my way back to the bar.

"Jane, wait!"

Her voice drowns away as the music gets louder. The tempo forces my heart to beat at its rate like a metronome, my steps following the rhythm as it slithers into my vision, finding the crimson hue of Kelly's hair.

"Hey, you're-"

Her lips felt soft against mine, fragile. The taste of strawberry invaded my senses. Time stopped. Only the soft thud of my heart beating in my ears made me find myself again.

I pull away to meet glossy, confused eyes. "Let's get out of here," I breathe out.

* * *

 **AN: A chapter longer than a couple of words! Yay! Thank you to everyone that has favorited, followed, and reviewed. Keep doing it, please. It feeds the muse inside me. :P**


	4. Storm IV

The door to my cabin opens, allowing our entangled selves to stumble in. I try to drown myself in the essence that is Kelly. The aroma of mixed drinks from the bar, generic shampoo. Soft strands of hair gliding across my hands, smooth skin on bare arms. Underneath lies something else, a taste so foreign and familiar. It licks at my mind with intoxicating slithers. I push it away as Kelly falls onto the bed.

I stare at her for a moment. Fiery locks disheveled as her chest rises and falls. A lopsided smirk calling me to her side, promising pleasure and a moment to forget. Clearly intoxicated. She raises a smooth arm, pulling me atop her.

"Kiss me," she whispers.

Once more she pulls me to her, our lips crashing sloppily. Again, that taste. Her heavy breathing and my own drown out my thoughts as I scramble to find what it is. It is not of Kelly's.

Her tongue ghosts against my own and it hits me.

Strawberry.

 _Her tongue slides against my own, the taste of strawberry filling my senses. Her hands are everywhere, stripping away both clothes and defenses, leaving me bare and vulnerable. I want her, need her._

 _"_ _You're mine. All mine. I'm never letting you go."_

 _The words carve themselves into my mind, burning themselves into my soul._

 _"_ _Only yours, Ash."_

No. I can't. I push Kelly away from me, holding her at arms length as I straddle her.

"I can't do this, Kelly." Something in her eyes changes. What it is, I cannot tell. She tries to kiss me again, but I hold her still. "Kelly. There's no one on the ship. Just go to the crew's quarters and get rest."

She blinks, seemingly processing what is happening. Without a word, she stands on unstable feet and treks out of room.

What the hell was I thinking? Kelly isn't going to make me forget her. I shouldn't have involved her in all of this. She deserves better than what I will ever be. Then again, I didn't expect to see _her_ at the Citadel, of all places.

Ashley… Fuck, you're still beautiful as ever. Why didn't you wait for me? What the hell happened to "forever"?

I walk to the fish tank, sitting at its feet. Who was that with her? Why didn't I say something? Do something? Tell her how much I loved her, how much I still do. How I can't do all this Collector bullshit without her.

I lift my arm, activating my omni tool. I open a file I thought lost after I… died. A string of messages. Random conversations we would have on the Normandy when we had some free time.

 _[2183, Time: 20:00]_

 _ **Ashley Williams** : Skippy Skipper_

 _ **Jane Shepard** : Chiefy Chief_

 _ **AW** : Hmm…_

 _ **JS** : What?_

 _ **AW** : I've seen how Liara looks at you. She basically eats you with her eyes. _

_**JS** : There's only one person allowed to eat me and that's you. ;)_

 _ **AW** : Jane!_

 _ **JS** : Besides, she may be pretty, but you are the epitome of beauty. And you already had my heart long before I met her. I do wonder if she'll be jealous of you. _

_**AW** : Is it bad I kinda hope she is? You're all mine. If Alliance can't know, at least the crew can. _

_**JS** : You just want to show me off, that's all. But if you really want, I could go on the ship's comm and declare my love to you. _

_**AW** : Oh, yes. Showing you off wouldn't be such a bad thing. Liara would get the hint, everyone would know, and I'd be happy. _

_**JS** : And I'd be paraded around the ship in underwear. _

_**AW** : No. _

_**JS** : But you just said—_

 _ **AW** : Only I can see you naked. _

_**JS** : We're on a ship. Half of the crew has seen me naked. _

_**AW** : Do you really wanna go there, Skippy Skipper?_

 _ **JS** : Fiiiiiiinnneeee… Chiefy Chief. By the way, I've been meaning to tell you something. _

_**AW** : What?_

 _ **JS:** I love you. No matter what happens, I'm not letting you go. _

_**AW** : I love you too, Jane. _

_**JS** : Pinky promise of forever?_

 _ **AW** : What are you, five?_

 _ **JS** : Indulge the immature commander._

 _ **AW** : Fine, fine. Pinky promise.  
I love you, Jane Shepard. I promise to never let go. Ever. _

Anger. It rose within me like a fire, filling the emptiness inside me. I jolt upwards, standing to pace the confines of my cabin. After all those fucking promises. All those whispers and moans. They were nothing but empty promises and lies. Did you even love me the way you said? Did you get tired of me? What did I do to deserve this?

"Why can't I just get you out of my mind?" I yell, my fist connecting with the glass of the fish tank. Cracks extend to its corners, shattered.

I scream, rage filling me. I want to destroy everything. Her. For what she did to me. For hurting me. Breaking me.

"I died! And this is how you pay me back for that sacrifice?" I fling the lounge chair to the door, only for it to stay suspended midair, a blue hue framing it.

"Shepard, what the hell are you doing?" Miranda walks in, placing down the chair on the ground.

I storm to stand in front of her, getting into her face. "Get the hell out of my cabin."

"Not until you tell me why you're wrecking the place."

"It's not like you care, Lawson! Now I suggest you get out of here before I kick you off the ship."

"This isn't the Alliance."

"You can tell the Illusive Man to shove it, then! The Collectors are his problem, not mine. I won't tell you to leave again."

She crosses her arms, leaning on her left leg. "I'm not leaving."

The audacity of the woman. "Miranda. Leave." I snarl at her.

"No."

My jaw clenches, my hands close into a fist. I jump at her, aiming to punch her stupid, 'perfect' face until she gets the hell out. But like fluid, she glides out of my way and I miss.

"Shepard, don't make me do this."

I ignore her, and aim for her again. She's way out of line, and I could really use a punching bag at this point. If she doesn't shut up, I'll make her. Before my fist connects with her jaw, I catch a blue glow from her hand. My muscles tense at the same time, a pulse of electricity leaving me paralyzed.

The bitch.

"Now that you're still, I can get your attention. I don't know what caused you to wreck your cabin; it's not my place to know. I do know that you should be taking the Collectors more seriously than whatever triviality it is that is going through your head."

It is _not_ a triviality!

"The Collectors are a threat. You signed on to this willingly. The Illusive Man gave you a choice to leave after Freedom's Progress. There are bigger things than you, Shepard. The Reapers won't wait for you to get your mind right."

Not my fault I'm all fucked in the head. I would've been just fine dead, thank you.

"Now, are you calm yet, Jane?"

Like hell that I am calm. She used my first name. And got me stuck in this stupid stasis field. But... she has a point. The Collectors won't disappear on their own, neither will the Reapers. I'm the only one that truly knows that happened. Damn it, she's right.

I blink, showing acquiescence. The biotics stop, dropping me gently on my feet. I still have a lingering urge to punch something, but it's less than a few moments ago.

"Leave, Miranda. I have to get this place cleaned up."

"A simple thank you would've sufficed," she quips.

I fix the chair that was thrown, putting it back in its respective spot in front of the couch. "No one has ever disobeyed my orders like that. Or used my first name to address me."

"Well, every day brings new experiences, how ever ugly they may be."

"Didn't take you for an inspirational person." I face her. "I'll take care of all this. You can leave."

She nods and begins for the door before stopping at its threshold. "The Collectors?"

"We'll stop them."

Another nod and her heels click once more against the ground. The door swishes and closes.

We're taking on the Collectors, but we're doing this my way.

* * *

 **AN: Feelings!**

 **Anyway, hope y'all enjoyed that. And please keep reviewing this little thing, and following. I promise, it'll get interesting. Thanks to all those that already did the aforementioned things. You feed my sad, little muse.**


	5. Storm V

Today was the last day of shore leave. I haven't seen Kelly after our… dalliance two days ago, which probably means she's embarrassed about the whole encounter. Or I scared her off. Cerberus could just send another yeoman. I'm sure the Illusive Man has a few lying around somewhere in his creepy stations.

Miranda has been keeping me updated of anything and everything, which becomes annoying after the fifth reminder that Zaeed wants to deal with his little contract. I told her to inform him we'll head over there as soon as everyone comes back from leave. That shut him up. Unfortunately, it didn't shut up Miranda. More messages from the Illusive Man, reminders to file some reports, going over dossiers of people we still need to recruit. And that ever-inquisitive gaze, like she is trying to read my mind. There isn't anything to read. Nothing she should be interested in, anyhow.

She left about an hour ago to finish some report for the Illusive Man, which I have now taken to call Timmy. She didn't take it well. What a lack of humor. Her sister better be funnier.

"Shepard," the Australian accent rings from above my head. Speak of the devil. I look at the ceiling, sitting back in my chair that faces my prized little possessions of ships. They never judge, never remind me of anything.

"Yes, Miranda? What is it now? Did someone get spaced? Please tell me someone got spaced."

"Everyone is aboard the Normandy." Such blatant disregard for my sarcasm. Rude. "Joker is waiting for you to plot a course on the galaxy map. And before you ask, yes, Yeoman Chambers is back." The last part sounded annoyed. Maybe it's just me, or she's tired _of_ me.

But damn. Kelly is back. I told Miranda to keep an eye on her when she came back, see if she was acting weird. Let's hope she isn't.

"I'll be right up," I say as I stand, closing the terminal I had been staring at blankly for a good couple of hours. Even out of the Alliance, those damn reports nagged at me. I begin to walk out to the elevator. The old Normandy had a one-floor elevator, and it took _forever_ to get to the armory. This new Normandy had multiple floors and unfortunately for me, it was just as slow.

Dreams and nightmares still plague me of the last time I stepped foot on the SR-1. Pressely in his ever-perfect Alliance uniform, updating me on the mission's progress. Joker being the smartass he is. It wasn't the same without Tali, Garrus, and Liara, though. The Normandy felt like it was missing parts after they left; it was an Alliance ship, after all. But, like every other memory, it was laced with _her_ essence. Fuck. Can't even remember good times without her controlling my thoughts.

The elevator slows even more, snapping me out of my thoughts. I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. The metal box pings once before the doors slide open. The bright lights of the CIC seem more blinding than ever. Probably because I haven't come here for the past two days. People walk back and forth in front of me, nodding in acknowledgement of my presence. I would very much rather be invisible right about now.

I clear my throat and go into commander mode. If the Alliance taught me anything, it was being insensitive.

"Chambers," I begin, "anything I should know?"

"Uh, no, Commander." She turns to face me. "There… there isn't anything that needs your attention."

I nod, putting my hands behind my back as militarily as I could. To a civilian, the pose probably seems tiring. To me, it is therapeutic. An awkward silence extends between us as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. Hair I had run my fingers through, ears I had nibbled on. Her eyes are downcast, no longer full of that mysterious aura that swam in them back in my cabin.

I had felt nothing for her, still feel nothing. If I had not come to sooner that night, things could've gotten worse.

No point in making this more awkward. "Kelly, I—"

"Please, Shepard. Hear me out first. I acted… unprofessionally. I shouldn't have started anything. If you want me off the ship, I completely understand."

"Whoa, whoa! Hold a minute. No need for anyone to go anywhere. Nor is there need to blame yourself for what happened. It was my fault. I began all this and let the drinks get to me. Let's just pretend nothing happened, alright?" I offer a sympathetic smile.

She returns it with a sad looking smile and a nod. "Aye, aye, Commander."

Crisis averted. Despite the shitstorm I caused in my cabin, I guess it was better than breaking someone's heart because I decided to be stupid. Walking to the galaxy map, I vow to myself. No more broken hearts. It must never happen again. What happened with Ashley… never again.

Joker's voice on the intercom shakes me from my thoughts. "Take your time choosing, Commander. We got all day."

"Unless you want to say goodbye to your leather seat, I suggest you can it, Joker."

"Wow. Low blow, Shepard. Low blow. Hardass." He mutters the last part.

"I think I'll call the Illusive Man right now and tell him to install Alliance-type seats ASAP on the Normandy. It doesn't seem like you need leather seats, anyway."

"Alright, alright! Please, take all the time you require, _Commander._ " Joker's emphasis caused a chuckle to escape from me. How long had it been since I truly laughed?

My finger falls on Zorya after accessing the galaxy map. Zaeed will hopefully shut up with his nagging after going there. As much as he can irritate me sometimes, he's useful and I need him on the mission.

"Set a course for Zorya, Joker."

"'Bout fuckin' time, Shepard," comes the scratchy voice of Zaeed on the comm. "Thought the damn Collectors would kill us before you held your word."

"Have a little faith, old man. You can do your thing in a few hours when we get to Zorya."

"Yeah, whatev'r. And don't call me old. Hardass."

I sigh and shake my head. This mission of his will definitely be dull.

* * *

Zorya is pleasant enough. If it wasn't crawling with murderous Blue Suns, I'd go as far as to say I would enjoy taking a nice, long vacation here. Sadly, I can't exactly do that when I got the co-founder of the Blue Suns gunning against the current leader of them, Vido Santiago. Would've been nice to know that before they began shooting us.

The refinery where Vido and his goons are held up is just a few yards ahead, judging by the smell of chemicals getting stronger. Perhaps I'll reject the vacation idea after all.

"What do you plan on doing to Vido when you find him?" I ask Zaeed, trying to strike up a conversation. Killing Suns is entertaining only after the first ten or so are dead.

"Kill 'im. Bastard thought he could get away with betraying me. Fuckin' idiot. Deserves a bullet right on his forehead, and worse."

Well that's just peachy. "Don't you want, like, an explanation or something?"

"What for? I don't give a damn what he has to say. Just want him dead."

The refinery comes into view, a dark laughter resonates from inside. A man walks to a balcony above us, flanked by Blue Suns.

"Zaeed Massani. You just can't stay dead, can you?"

"Get down here and I'll show you what it feels like to be dead!"

Another laugh. "You think you can just come here and take what is mine? The Suns won't work for some old guy with a gun."

Zaeed pulls out his pistol and aims at Vido. "I guess if you won't come down here, I'll bring you here myself, you cowardly shit."

His pistol fires, leaving Vido unscathed. "Your aim is worse than your ego. You think I'm—"

He stops as a leaking sound reaches our ears. Ah, shit. A tank explodes above us, taking out Santiago's men. More shots fire, this time at something else. What the hell is he doing?

"You're fucking crazy!" Vido yells.

Explosions begin to ring across the entire refinery. Zaeed busted a valve with all the shots, causing chain explosions within the refinery. What the actual hell?

"Are you insane?" I yell at Zaeed. He watched as Vido runs away, ignoring me. "We're still _inside_ the damn place! There are people here!"

"I don't give a damn about the people. Vido needs to die."

"Help," someone cries from above. From another balcony, a small group of people wave at us urgently. "We can't get out! The way's blocked!"

"If we help them, Vido gets away," Zaeed shouts over the explosions.

Damn. He's right. The people can help themselves. If not… I need Zaeed for this mission. If Vido gets away, that's it. I can't let random people get in the way of the mission.

"Let's chase after Santiago." I tell him.

"Was about to leave without you."

* * *

 **AN: Some action! Kind of.**

 **Thanks to all the follows and please, please, please review. It'll make me a happy person if you do, even if it's to tell me it's crap. :D**


	6. Storm VI

**AN: Well, this isn't dead yet! I found this already written and everything. (I'm just going to assume the grammar and all is fine. I'm sorry if it's not and do let me know if there's something wrong.) So why not post it since I apparently had the thought to do it a million years ago, right? Though, after this, it will probably remain on hiatus. My main focus now is A Pathfinder's Struggle, which you should go check out if you haven't already.**

 **As per usual, please leave me nice comments. I have weak emotions. But if you want to point out something in my story, please do. Anywho...**

* * *

"Shepard, what the hell happened down there," the storm that is Miranda yells.

I put my weapons down on the table and look at Zaeed, who gives me a silent nod and walks out.

Zaeed and I just finished dealing with Vido. It was... interesting to see how Zaeed dealt with Vido. Such recklessness and indifference. It's something I can warm up to. And despite blowing up a refinery, he still got the job done. He didn't let anything get in the way.

"What do you mean, Miranda? Zaeed got what he wanted." I turn away toward the table to remove my armor.

"Was blowing up a refinery filled with innocent people also part of his plan? Why didn't you stop him?"

"If we had tried to stop the fire somehow, Vido would've gotten away. You of all people know that Zaeed wasn't going to help us against the Collectors if we didn't help him first."

My world whirls as Miranda forcefully turns me to her, causing me to drop my gauntlets. "People died, Shepard." Miranda's breath brushes against my face, her voice an octave lower. "How could you just ignore that?"

"People die all the time. There's no point in crying over a few that died when a thousand people died right now across the galaxy because of the Collectors. If we don't stop them, there won't be anyone else left to save, Miranda. You and the Illusive Man brought me on this ship to fix this fucking mess. If you can't handle how I deal with it, then get yourself someone else to clean up. Because I won't take any crap from my crew, least of all you."

Crystal eyes pierce into my own. _What is she thinking? Insubordination. She's damn lucky this isn't the Alliance._ I catch something shift in her gaze before stepping away.

"Very well… Commander."

Without another word, she struts out of the armory, heels clicking loudly. I stare at the gauntlets on the ground. Zaeed got the job done. Sure, there was bloodshed, but when isn't there? As a soldier, one must learn to deal with that. It wasn't any different in Akuze.

Right?

 _The ground shakes below as we scramble away, our comms piercing our ears as someone behind me is swallowed up by the ground, their shouts of pain and panic resonating in my helmet. A gurgle follows, along with an image flashing through my mind of the soldier crushed by the monster._

I clench my jaw, grabbing my gauntlets and throwing them across the room. They clatter against the ground as I hold my head in my hands. _Damn it, Miranda!_ Why did she have to go put ideas in my head?

I take off the rest of my armor and change into my N7 t-shirt and pants, my usual off-duty outfit. I head to my cabin, feet dragging slightly. Some shut eye could serve me well right about now.

* * *

" _Skipper, why me? Why save me and not Kaidan?"_

" _I had to make a choice. I chose you."_

" _Why not save us both?"_

" _What?"_

" _Why not try to save us both?"_

" _I— "_

" _You could've. You could've split your team. You could've sent someone else. You could've sent Joker down for me or Kaidan."_

" _Ash… Please don't do this to me. I tell that to myself everyday. I could've done something, I know."_

" _But you didn't. You saved me."_

" _I couldn't lose you! I need you, Ashley!"_

" _You didn't try hard enough. For him. For you and me. You always give up so easily, Jane."_

" _Ashley, I love you! If I lost you… You're the only one that can save me. My protector. My sunshine in the darkest of times. You stole from me the air I breathe since I met you."_

" _You failed at saving Kaidan. You failed at saving the Normandy. You failed at getting me back."_

" _No! I haven't lost you! I won't lose you! Ashley, please!"_

"No!" I breathe heavily. Sweating. Sheets pooled around me. My hands shake as I sit immobile on my bed, heart pounding in my ears. I don't want to move. If I do, I will fall into that nightmare again. I will hear her voice, cold and cruel, again. No. Not again.

My head spins, the room twirls with my rising urge to vomit. Fuck. I manage to move, rubbing at my eyes. Fuck. Wetness lightly coats my fingers as I wipe my face. Was I crying in my dream? Or have I been crying all this time?

I have to move. Do something before I suffocate and go insane. I jump out of the bed and run to the bathroom. I turn on the shower, clothes still on, and douse my body onto the cold water, trying to wash away… everything. This pain that won't go. The memories that haunt me. The whispers of her voice. The lingering sensations throughout my body. Everything must go down the drain.

 _Why can't you just leave me the hell alone? You made your choice on Horizon. I tried. I did try. I looked for you. When I found you, you just… You just fucking left. After everything you said. All your lies…_

I need to erase this—her—from me. I can't let her linger in my mind anymore.


End file.
